Preterm Scare

Monday was in many ways an ordinary appointment for me, with ordinary errands to attend to afterwards, and I did them while feeling crappy, which is a very normal thing for me when pregnant. Over the weekend I felt like or had an intuition that my body was up to something, so perhaps I should have been more vigilant. Then again, intuition is unreliable, and I have an irritable uterus so how was I supposed to know that Monday was any different? Regardless, I ended up in the hospital where I needed to be, and Dr. CalmNGentle was able to stop the preterm labor. I do keep replaying the events of the day to see if I could have seen it coming and or maybe its just a method to calm me down. Either way this is how my week has gone.

Last Friday and Saturday, I was more uncomfortable than usual due to more frequent contractions from my lovely irritable uterus. My cervix has not changed in texture, thickness, or dilation since 26 weeks - still very soft, a little thin, a fingertip dilated but technically still closed - so with confidence from my doctor that if the level of pain does not change or that there is no detectable pattern then the contractions I experience all day, every day are just Braxton Hicks. I have also had 2 FFN tests performed at 26 weeks and at 30 weeks, both with a very encouraging negative result. Using this information, I do as usual and rest as much as possible outside of work and watching my daughter while my husband works. I do, however, notice that I am having frequent, loose stools that women sometimes experience during prelabor, but that can occur weeks before actual labor so I choose to ignore this.

Sunday, my plans were to meet my mother to pick my daughter up from her (she watches her on weekends sometimes for us). Then I was going to take Jaden to her new friend's 2nd birthday party and check out a community yard sale for baby stuff in the same neighborhood. Instead, when I met my mother, I had to run to bathroom because I was sick then the contractions started. We went back to my mom's apartment, where I decided that if the comfort measures that usually work didn't then I would call the doctor. Well, the all fours on the floor position took the pressure off my back and pelvis, the hot bath helped and laying down did a little good. The contractions didn't disappear, but they improved significantly. After several hours, I drive Jaden and I home. I remind myself to mention it at the appointment in the morning.

Monday, I drop Jaden off at my MIL's house while I go to the appointment and run my errands afterwards. From here is where I keep replaying the events, I know I wouldn't change anything about the weekend but what if something, anything had been different on Monday? What would I have done then? Dr. CalmNGentle does not share his practice with another OBGYN but he does have a PA that assists him in the office. Routinely, a patient sees the PA for the first OB consult then every appointment after the patient will alternate seeing Dr. CalmNGentle and PA every other appointment until a patient is at the point when visits are weekly, in which case the patient sees only Dr. CalmNGentle. At this appointment, it was my turn to see the PA. I briefly describe the weekend, a couple of other symptoms, and ask about Nathan's breech status. PA does a cervical exam and does a quick swab to make sure not leaking fluid. Still soft and closed and no amniotic fluid present. PA then explains that I am 34 weeks and 3 days and that she can do another FFN swab if I wanted but they don't do those after 35 weeks, which is just a few days away. PA goes on to say that the other 2 tests came back negative earlier in the pregnancy and high probability that this one would too. "This is probably just going to be a miserable pregnancy." I agreed with everything that she said - after all I don't want to pay for an expensive test that had my appointment happened to be later in the week, they wouldn't have even considered performing anyway. After my irritable uterus and 3 negative FFN tests with Jaden, I still had to be induced with her. Even if PA had done the test, I would not know the results until Tuesday afternoon, which would have been too late anyway. Nothing had changed so why worry unnecessarily. Lay down as much as possible was what I was instructed to do. And I planned on it, after my errands. I went to USPS, then Target, then Walmart, and ate a quick lunch. Sounds like a lot, but they were all short, in-and-out trips. My MIL said she would bring Jaden by the house after I got home. Good, then I can go to a friend's for a little while and give her a belated baby shower gift. While at her house, my friend looks at me funny, "You've been sitting on my couch for awhile now and you face keeps going blank every so often. Are you having contractions? I have contraction timer app if you are." Yes, I was having contractions, but I just came from the office a few hours before so I wasn't worried but did agree to let her time the contractions. Turns out, they were lasting 45-60 seconds with 3 minute intervals. After a call to the office, my friend drives me to L&D. I am immediately admitted and hooked up to monitors, contractions are regular, strong, 3 minutes apart, and building. It did take them 30 minutes to find Nathan's heartbeat (all we could hear was him stubbornly kicking the monitor). Dr. CalmNGentle prescribes 20 mg Procardia and determines that I am 50% effaced and my cervix is funneling (dilated outside to 1 cm and closed on the inside). After 2 hours, the Procardia has had no effect on the contractions and second cervical exam shows I am 50% effaced, Nathan is head down and -2 station, and solid 1 cm dilated. So he switches me to magnesium sulfate and orders corticosteroids shots. After 36 hours on mag sulfate and 2 rounds of steroid injections, Dr. CalmNGentle observes how I do back on the Procardia for another 12 hours before releasing me on strict bed-rest Wednesday evening. He explains that I had a strong labor pattern and to call/go in to L&D if any of a short list of symptoms return. The goal is to stay pregnant for another 8 days when I hit the 36 week mark.

The entire experience was scary and surreal. I feel stupid for having a 'that will never happen to me' mentality, even though I am/was considered high risk. Is it naivete, ignorance, what? But then again, would I have been living in fear, walking on egg shells had I known just how at-risk I was? Would it have been different if I skipped my errands altogether and went home to rest? Am I the only who experienced this, that really didn't see it coming though I probably should have? If I had gone home instead of to my friend's house, would I have tried to relaxation techniques or gone to the hospital? Would I even have made it in time for Dr. CalmNGentle to be able to stop the preterm labor? The truly scary thing is, that had I gone home, I probably would have waited for my husband to get home from work several hours after the labor pattern started then ask him, "What should I do?" It's not his body, how can I put that judgment call on him? I don't want to think what might have happened to Nathan after that. Then, my mind goes on a justification bender to try to ease my guilt with thoughts going through my head like, "I wouldn't have done anything differently if I had been in PA's shoes. How could I have known?" Or my mind minimizes the situation like "It could have happened last month, then you really would have been in trouble" or "34 1/2 weeks really isn't that premature, Nathan would have been fine regardless whether the labor was stopped or not" or "You only got to 1 cm, did the Dr. really need to worry that much about it?". Reality is that, yes, it could have been worse, but that does not mean the situation I was in was good. Nathan still would have had problems just not to the extent of a extremely premature infant. I am thankful for all the measures my doctor took to stop the labor and ensure Nathan's health.

Each day that passes, my anxiety over Nathan's well-being eases. I have new sense of reality-based clarity and health fear that reminds me how important my adherence to the bed-rest, pelvic-rest, and Procardia regimen really is. So here is to hopefully more than 8 days until Nathan's birth. And should he come sooner, I will have done everything in my power to keep him in, pray the steroids did their job, and trust God to care for him in everything else that I have no control over.

My Heart

Dear Lord,

I need You now more than ever. Not that I didn't know this before, but I am just now able to let go of my pride and vanity and conceit to be able to admit it. I have prayed for Your guidance financially and for You to bless this pregnancy, but I have kept the majority of the situation to myself for me to deal with on my own. Instead of giving everything to You, I have placed myself in a vulnerable position without Your protection all because 'I can do it myself". Truth is though, that I can't. I simply can't. Yes, it is my body, but I have no control over it. I cannot be the mother I want to be to my daughter or the wife I want to be to my husband because I physically do not have the strength or stamina to do or the ability to hault the contractions consciously. I need the help only You can give to endure all of this. Please, help me die to my flesh so that I can live in You and the abundance of Your blessings and provision that only a relationship with You gives. My pride be damned, I just cannot in and of myself do it. I thank You for this experience, though it's not over yet, because I feel You instilling patience, endurance, and inner strength all the while dismantling my independence and bringing me closer to You. I thank You so much for burdening my parents to pray for me and my family, for bringing people into my life who want to assist us by watching my daughter on occasion, for the graciousness and compassion You have given my boss to accommodate my physical needs for the time being. I have witnessed Your support without even having completely given the situation over to You. I repent because my pride has gotten in the way of what You have in store for me. Please, help me to completely rely on You.

In Jesus name,
Amen.

We're Really Doing This

So Carlos and I have been married for 3 years, and in that time, we have not always made the best financial decisions. The mistakes we made are common for young adults. Perhaps, we also married a bit too young and after only being together 8 months. We closed on our first home the same week I graduated college. Our first year of marriage, we were learning how communicate, learning to adjust to making joint decisions versus individual decisions, finding a way to run a household and follow a budget that merged both of our money management styles, all the while still really getting to know more about each other. Just before our one year anniversary, we discovered we were expecting.

Too much too soon. Not that any of what we experienced was truly bad or anything; on the contrary, falling in love, getting married, buying your first house, graduating college, having a baby are all very happy and momentous milestones in a person's life. They do, however, all have their own growing pains that go with them. And when you experience all of them within a short amount of time, those growing pains feel like they have a compounding effect on each other. That is when our financial blunders caught up with us.

I did not expect to have a complicated, painful, high-risk pregnancy, but I did. I never considered our debt to substantial, but it was. I missed more than 6 months of work due to pregnancy related health issues and postpartum maternity leave. We could not recover financially and eventually declared Chapter 7 Bankruptcy. Before the pregnancy, we paid all our bills on time including the mortgage, both car payments, both student loan payments, all the credit cards. With just one income, we could only pay the utilities and the mortgage and barely stayed above water with the car payments. We made the mistake of thinking that your health and your income are secure and so long as we could 'afford' the payment then we could have it. Since then, I have found out that we weren't the only ones thinking this. Turns out, people with bad money habits tend to not realize how bad their decisions are until life hits them in the face and they experience the consequences of their decisions. Things had to change.

So we changed. Everything. Things were headed in the right direction. Of course, a financial lifestyle overhaul takes time to get you to where you ought to be, but we were on our way. Just before our bankruptcy was officially discharged, we discovered we were expecting again.

Needless to say, we were scared, and I am still not without some fear even now. I am 34 weeks pregnant and have again had a complicated, painful, high-risk pregnancy. I have been able to continue working this whole time though I am now on reduced hours and  probably missed roughly a month of work cumulative between being in the hospital twice, temporary bed-rest, and coming down with the flu. At the beginning, we had only one vehicle, a regular cab truck. We had no idea if we were going to be able to get a different vehicle, but we have. At the beginning, I was kicking myself because I had given away a majority of Jaden's baby stuff to someone much less fortunate than we were. We have to get a different vehicle, how are we going to afford a vehicle and baby stuff? But we have. At the gender/anatomy scan at 21 weeks, the doctor informed us we were having a boy this time. Unless he is going to use pink everything, I wasn't sure how we were going to afford to buy even more. But we have. I believe God has blessed us because we have made every effort to model our new money habits after His financial principles. The real test to see if a person has changed is to put them in a situation where they either revert back to old ways or do the much harder, right thing. We have only been able to prepare as much as we have because of God. Don't get me wrong the test isn't over yet and the real blessing (Nathan) is still to come, but I am so proud of Carlos and I because we're really doing this. Right now, I have mathematically figured out that once Nathan arrives, we can afford for Carlos take off one week and me to take off four weeks. But then again, my math was off about the vehicle and the baby gear. The test isn't over yet, but we come this far successfully with God, and He's good and faithful and will bring us the rest of the way through.

For now, I am so proud that we're really doing this!

One Reason Why I Hate Xbox

It was a long day at work. I got sick in the middle of my short shift that turned into a long shift due to untimely lunch schedules that left the pharmacy suddenly shorthanded. Although, I must say it felt good to be needed, and I was glad I was able to pull through and be there for my coworkers. I did expect the stress of the day to wind down when I got home from work, but why would any mother expect that to actually be able to happen. 

When I arrived home, my husband opened the door slowly while saying," Don't be mad. I didn't know until just now that it happened. I really don't know what it is." At this point, I have no idea what it is either, but I know it will not be good. Starting anything with 'don't be mad' is never good.

I peak around the door to see Jaden, in only a diaper, with the excited smile of self-discovery on her face looking up at me. Then I see the unidentified stuff Carlos spoke of on her hands, up her arms, all over her legs, smeared on her belly. At first, I thought she may have gotten into the pantry for a jar of baby food to feed one of her babies, accidentally broken it, then played in it. I could feel anger rising inside toward Carlos for not paying closer attention and was about to ask where the glass was, did she hurt herself due to his neglect, etc. Total shock quickly replaced all those feelings when Carlos then sniffed Jaden. The disgusted, about-to-vomit expression made my heart drop to my feet as I realized that Jaden was covered in feces. "What the .... ???" I couldn't even finish the sentence, I was just dumbfounded. "Poo-poo, poo-poo," Jaden was very satisfied to be able to answer my question. All three of us just looked at each other frozen for a second. In the next second, Carlos is half-running to the bathtub holding Jaden at arm's length, and I'm waddling behind him as fast as I can. 

After thoroughly bathing Jaden, we searched every inch of the apartment. No sign of the mess anywhere else. No open diaper anywhere. The trashcan did not appear to have been rummaged through in any way. We re-examined the diaper we removed before sticking her in the bathtub; it was not dirty, it wasn't even wet. So we ask Jaden, "Where did the poo-poo come from, Jaden? Where's the poo-poo?" All she kept saying was "Poo-poo", over and over and over again. Great. All we could guess is that she 'went fishing'. 

I'm still shocked by it all. I turned to Carlos to ask what had been going through my mind that whole time. I suspected I already knew the answer, but I asked anyway, "How did this happen? What were you doing that you didn't notice THIS happening?" He couldn't even look at me when he answered. "Um, well, I was, uhhh, playing on the Xbox right before you got here." REALLY *heavy, disappointed sigh as I shake my head*

Most Expensive Sinusitis Ever

I am 30 weeks pregnant, and high-risk pregnant at that. I don't want to be, just am. It seems like I deal with the same major recurring issue 24/7 and every week some other 'complication' crops up just so my irritable uterus doesn't get all the attention. This week's medical drama luckily ended as a comedy. 

Tuesday, March 8, I called the nurse because I have a terrible headache and generally feel crappy so I took my blood pressure at work and it was 139/88. I had pre-eclampsia with my daughter. I also normally have low blood pressure and this reading (even if off by a few points because parents don't know how to keep their unruly kids off the blood pressure machine at the pharmacy) is well over the 30 points above my normal systolic and over 15 points above my normal diastolic pressure. Not only that, that was about what my bp readings when I presented with proteinurea and low platelet counts with Jaden. "I'm not worried because your bp is not over 140/90. Take Tylenol, drink water and lie down, and if you experience any symptoms of pre-eclampsia, call." Is that not what I was doing? I follow the directions and nothing changes, but I don't exactly feel encouraged to call either.

Monday, March 14, I call again because the headache is still raging on. I am beginning to think that it's a migraine, and I happen to have leftover butalbital/apap/caf from a migraine I had in August. Instead of giving me permission to take it and call if nothing changes, the nurse takes this more seriously, "Do not take anything else. You need to be evaluated. I can get you in if you come right now." Well, okay, then, if you say so. My bp by now has dropped to 120/80 after a week of being in bed when not at work, still slightly elevated for me but much better than last week. Dr. GentleNCalm agrees that it looks like, sounds like a migraine so it must be a migraine and e-scribes rx for butalbital/apap/caf. He says he is not worried about pre-eclampsia, the nurse did not upload the urine dipstick results to my e-chart yet (I don't think she actually tested the sample I am required to leave at every visit), and believes this will kick the headache I take the max dosage for the next couple of days and no relief. 

Wednesday, I call again because migraines respond to migraine medicine and otther types of headaches do not respond to migraine medicine. Dr. GentleNCalm via the nurse tells me to go to L&D to get stronger medicine and for them to run tests to determine the source of the headache because he no longer is convinced that is a migraine. I arrive, they give me 2 doses of Stadol, never draw blood, or anything other than drug me up. I appreciate the pain relief, but I would rather treat the source to ensure it does not return. Dr. GentleNCalm says it was after all just a migraine and discharges me. As I get dressed in the little bathroom in my room, I notice the urine sample they told me to give is still sitting on the shelf. They never did anything with it.

Thursday, I wake up and the headache is back with a vengeance. I call the nurse to tell her I am going to continue the butalbital/apap/caf because I still have that damn headache, and she says she will call me later. Nurse does eventually call back saying they are working on a referral to a neurologist and Dr. GentleNCalm wants me to go to the ER for an MRI/CATScan. In short, the CATScan revealed that the pregnant lady without any upper respiratory symptoms or fever (my body never has, weird), only a headache, has sinusitis. I do get out of another expensive referral, right?!?

20% of sick visit + 20% of L&D visit + 20% of ER visit + 20% of radiology services = MOST EXPENSIVE SINUSITIS EVER